He’s distancing himself, but I need more.

Advice #54

In this week’s advice column, one asker wants to know if it’s okay to ask their partner to give them a “heads up” before they go on a date.

The second question felt almost creepy because in between the time I received it in my inbox and actually sat down to answer it, my circumstances changed in my personal life such that I basically became the author of the question.

I’m going through almost the exact same thing as they are: dealing with someone who is distancing themselves.

This is a preview of the advice column for free subscribers. Support this work and read the whole thing by upgrading to paid. <3

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Can you give me a heads up?

One of my agreements with partners is to give a heads up before new dates and a follow through on intentions when starting to date new people.

Without this I feel quite blindsided and on edge all the time. With the heads up, I actually have access to compersion more easily.

A lot of poly people seem to believe that reduces autonomy for partners and is problematic, and creates more problems and a form of lack of trust.

And yes it does limit some amount of spontaneity around new people or hookups, but also feels like it gives me a clearer headspace to explore new connections and adapt to/welcome my partners new connections as well. Was wondering what your thoughts are on this. Thanks:)

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Hey there, everything you say here seems reasonable to me. In fact, I don’t see how giving a heads up reduces autonomy for partners and represents a “lack of trust” at all.

Then again, I guess, it depends on what you mean by a “heads up.”

Like if you and I were dating, and I met someone else at a party, exchanged numbers with then and organized a date with that person and after that, let you know that the date is happening, for me, that would be giving you a heads up. And that requires very little effort on my part and doesn’t impede my autonomy at all.

A heads up means you’re asking them to let you know what’s happening. You’re not asking them to ask your permission for it to happen. You’re not even saying that you require a long conversation in advance of it happening. You’re just literally asking that they announce it. That’s what I understand.

But if by heads up, you mean, you’re asking your partner to ask for your go-head to go on the date at all, then this is another story. If you are asking to have a conversation and even agree to a date before it happens, this will affect your partner’s autonomy because now they can’t really act as freely anymore.

Now they have a road block slowing down a process which might feel complicated as it is.

That said, this situation is also not objectively “problematic”(which is a word I hate to be honest because it implies an objective truth about often non-objective situations but I digress).

Many people would like their partner to have a conversation with them before they go on a date with someone new. Even though it might not be convenient for the one going on a date, it’s a reasonable ask.

Especially at the beginning of our non-monogamy journey, getting comfortable with our partner dating someone else can spark extreme anxiety, and so these types of conversations can be key to making sure everyone feels safe.

By making this agreement, there is a cost to each person’s feeling of autonomy, but that doesn’t mean it’s “problematic” or it shouldn’t be agreed upon to help protect the people in the relationships’ nervous systems.

So the question would then arise: In what way does having a heads up protect your nervous system? My partner and I used to tell each other before going on a date with someone new, but at some point we decided we don’t need to know about a date until afterwards. We realized knowing about the date beforehand made us more nervous, not less.

But being updated on the status of each others’ other relationships, that is important. Because how that goes will affect our relationship too.

But everyone’s needs are different.

If your partner feels giving a heads up is too much whereas you feel like it’s necessary for you to feel safe, that might represent an incompatibility. To me, a simple heads up is not too much to ask for and requires very little effort so it would concern me if they weren’t able to do that. I’m guessing there’s a way you can both feel you have enough safety and autonomy to move forward.

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They’re distancing themselves, but I need more.

My partner is distancing themselves and saying I’m too needy. (I want to see them twice a week, and they feel stressed out by plans. PDA. Autism)

They are also depressed.

I’m trying to give them space, and not stress them out with my needs, (cuddling, sex, quality time. A goddamn plan) but they are avoiding me. And won’t allow me to help or hold space when they’re sad.

Should I date other people? Should I lower my expectations of my current partner?

Our nervous systems are clashing.

They need autonomy and I need a schedule to feel safe.

Help please.

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Oh my god, wait, did I write this or did you write this?

Because I’m going through almost the exact same thing right now.

As I write this, I’m also struggling with someone I’ve been dating for a few months who has now found himself in some sort of burnout/depression. He has communicated that he “values me and is not breaking up with me” but needs space.

I understand all of this intellectually.

But it’s been extremely hard for me because I also want some more certainty (“a goddamn plan” as you say) and I’m in the process of figuring out how to honor his needs while also honoring my own need for regular signs of life.

I’m honestly hurting too.