Welcome to the 24th edition of the advice column. Our first asker’s partner wants to explore ENM but our asker is feeling insecure about the idea. How can she move forward and keep everyone happy?
Our second asker is wondering if her husband’s sexual relationship with another woman is putting a damper on her own sexual relationship with him. Fair question!
This is a preview of the advice column for free subscribers. Support this work and read the whole thing by upgrading to paid. <3
Is non-monogamy right for me?
My partner wants to transition our relationship to ENM, but I’m scared. I’m an only child of divorce, and that experience traumatized me in many ways (my father cheated on my mother and became estranged).
My partner doesn’t know this, but before meeting my partner, I also had a very hurtful relationship with a guy where I was the other woman in his relationships and he was the other man in mine. I’ve lived for years with the deep shame, guilt, poor self-esteem, and horrible feelings from all of my life experiences around infidelity, yes, but more from choosing other people besides the person you’re with and feeling like i’m not enough for people to stick around. And maybe i’m not. Maybe no one is.
For years I’ve been happy in my relationship because I felt I’ve earned it through my own commitment, loyalty, and the monogamy i didn’t think existed or I could ever be worthy enough to have. I just see you and your partner’s conversations around ENM and it seems like it has the potential to heal a lot of these wounds I carry, but it also feels like i’m giving up on more of my values of a committed relationship and I can’t wrap my head around the fact that this will ultimately, inevitably, put some distance between us.
It’s all so scary, but I don’t want my partner to feel like he has his wings clipped if he feels that way. I wish I could not have this fear I carry around and be the kind of person that could give him this lifestyle pain and worry free, but I just feel so damaged. I don’t know what advice I’m asking for necessarily, I guess i just want your opinion, do you think ENM is right for me?
Sincerely,
Not cut out for ENM?
Thank you for sharing all of that. Let’s get to the main question here: Do I think ENM is right for you? Only you can answer that of course but what I can do is reflect back what I see here and give you some tips on how to move forward.
As unique as your dilemma may seem to you and your specific background and wounds from the past, what you have here is a classic conundrum: You feel insecure about your partner dating other people AND you don’t want to stop him from dating other people because you want him to be happy.
Even more simply put, it’s your happiness and well-being versus his.
I wish there were a simple answer to this question but there isn’t. When this comes up with clients, I always recommend focusing on self-reflection and boundaries.
What I mean is, ENM may be for you, but ONLY if you’re aware of what you’re feeling during any given phase of the relationship as well as able to discuss those feelings and enforce boundaries to protect yourself from a constant arousal of your nervous system.
It’s your happiness and well-being versus his.
Being stressed and anxious all the time because you don’t want to keep your partner from seeing others is not good for anyone.
And let me make one thing clear: You don’t need to try ENM. If you feel strongly you don’t want it, you can take a clear stance and say that to your partner. It’s important that you know that is an option.
However, if theres a strong part of you that wants to try this out then just go for it.
And if you do, go slow. Like glacial speeds. Discuss what you might like to try with your partner first. Maybe simply going on dating apps, encouraging each other to kiss someone at a bar, exploring a kinky party together. Something low stakes.
What can you imagine that will push your boundaries a little but not send you spinning out of control? Try it with an attitude of exploration and adventure. It should be a little scary, that’s okay. That’s what pushing your boundaries feels like.
There’s a lot to gain, a lot of personal growth that can blossom, as you said, from exploring non-monogamy.
The main thing I want to leave you with is that you have a choice. And you are the only person who can protect yourself. Do not just go along with things that are triggering you because you think it’s the right thing to do.
Be okay with being a party pooper sometimes.
We all have limits.
My husband’s using up all his desire on her
Hi Sarah, I really appreciate your work. My husband and I opened up about a year and a half ago and he has had a big deep relationship with someone for a year. One big sticking point for me is that when my husband comes back from his weekly evenings with this other partner, he has ejaculated 2 or more times with her, and then is pretty flaccid /not as desirous of me as he used to be. It also hurts that he rarely feels moved to go for two rounds with me, let alone three. Thoughts on navigating the real limitation of men’s cum? 🙈🙏🏻
Sincerely,
Thirsty for the juice
Hello there! Thank you for your very honest and vulnerable question. Even though this is anonymous, it’s quite brave of you to share the concern that I think many people (more secretly) have when entering non-monogamy.
Essentially you’re worried that if your partner is having sex with someone else, he has less desire left over for you. Since your partner is a (presumably cis) man, this might feel like basic science.
Cis men typically get tired after they ejaculate, they need a break. They can’t just keep going indefinitely like their vulva-owning counterparts can.
So it follows that if your partner is ejaculating one or more times with another woman, there’s less juice, energy, or desire left for you.
I feel you — not necessarily on the specifics — but the general sentiment. I’ve worried about the very same thing. He’s not jumping my bones because he’s jumping someone else’s.
So I’m just going to tell you straight up right now my very simple advice on this.
Keep reading with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Monogamish to keep reading this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.