Should I be monogamous first?

Monogamish advice edition #14

In this week’s advice column, one asker is curious if it makes sense to start out mono before moving to poly. What are the considerations?

Another asker is scared because her partner has fallen in love — ah! How do they move forward?

Burning question? You can ask yours here.

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Should I be monogamous first?

Do you think it's beneficial to start a relationship in a closed container, to build safety, depth, connection, and trust, before opening it up? If that's what both parties desire?

Sincerely,

Cautious

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Dear Cautious,

Great question.

In my last “non-monogamous” relationship (you will understand the quotes in a minute), my ex and I decided to do exactly that.

We decided from the start we would try out non-monogamy together, but a month or two in, he asked that we be monogamous for at least a few months for exactly the reason you said: he wanted some time to get closer before we dove in.

Long-story short, however, we never really dove in.

It was never what he wanted and slowly we figured that out and eventually (for this and other reasons), we broke up.

I’m not saying this is the norm for a couple who decide to remain monogamous at first but still wanted to throw my experience out there because I’m probably not the only one this happened to.

Now to get to the more direct answer to this query… When I read it again, I realized the question itself has faulty logic right within it. 

You say that the motivation for having a closed container would be to build safety, depth, connection, and trust, but honestly, I have never strengthened those attributes more than I have through being open.

So if you both want to be exclusive at first, do it, of course, but I don’t see the reason you suggest to be a good motivation for that.

I think that a lot of people think opening up means that both of you immediately trample through the gates like racehorses at the sound of a gunshot.

All of a sudden you both have another partner and six new lovers.

But that’s usually not how it works. You can (and probably should) take baby steps. You both get to define what open means to you. So start the conversation about it right away.

I encourage you to dip your toes in the water.

And realize that dipping your toe in the water can simply mean talking about your desires for other people. Or going on a dating app and discussing a theoretical date you can have.

Stay in this spot for as long as you need to feel warm and ready to go further.

The truth is, during the honeymoon phase especially, it’s so exciting, often people don’t feel much desire for other people.

Of course, I’m speaking only from anecdotal experience here and there are many people who would have very different experiences.

But either way, you will build safety and trust throughout this whole process if you’re communicating with honesty and empathy and keeping in mind all involved parties’ needs and feelings as you go.

TLDR, if you know you want to be open, just be open. And go slow.

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He said “I love you” to someone else

My nesting partner has fallen in love with his other partner and I’m so scared. They aren’t sure how long they’ll last but they’ve exchanged “I love yous” and I feel betrayed.

I’ve told him I am happy he's enjoying their experience but I also feel this way. What can I do to soothe myself and not shut down emotionally from him?

Sincerely,

A Bit Freaked

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