Does polyamory mean fewer friends?
In some cases, it might.
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Does polyamory mean fewer friends?
Last weekend, at the first ever PolyFest Berlin (woo!), I hosted a panel called Why the Way We Love Is Political. In it, I brought up the loneliness epidemic (suicide rates up, friendships, particularly among males, are down).
I wanted to discuss if and how polyamory addresses this issue.
One person noted poly can counteract loneliness because it values all types of relationships, not just the one with your “one and only.”
This flexibility can help us increase the number of deep connections we have, which can lead to less loneliness.
Yet one person raised an interesting counterpoint. She said, being poly can actually make people more lonely. Why? Because some polyamorous people actually deprioritize friendships simply because having romantic or sexual connections is way more exciting.
And in doing so, their loneliness may actually increase in the long term.
This makes sense.
It’s really friggin exciting meeting new people you connect with. For me, personally, it’s more exciting than just about anything in the world. It gives you pleasure, validation. It makes you feel sexy, funny, attractive.
It releases massive amounts of dopamine in your brain.
So why make time for friends when you can just have that excitement again and again and again?
I’m right now seeing someone who is making my dopamine centers explode.
It’s challenging and complicated and not always easy, but it is also thrilling and wonderful and it’s making me want more and more. If my body and emotions were totally in control and running the show, they would stop writing in the middle of this sentence, close my laptop, jump on my bike, and ride to the other side of Berlin to see him.
Why make time for friends when you can just have that excitement again and again and again?
This— there’s no other way to put it — craziness doesn’t happen when it comes to my friends. I wouldn’t drop everything because I want to see my friend right. Now. So badly. It wouldn’t make sense when they will also be there tomorrow and the next day and the day after that. Inshallah.
It’s beautiful. It’s special. I’m grateful for this rare explosion, this burning at the top of my chest, in back of throat, yearning me forward in his direction.
But thank god, I’m also aware that this feeling is part of a phase, a chemical reaction happening in my brain causing me to obsess with this person just long enough that we have sex, just regularly and often enough that we would get pregnant and procreate.
It’s a chemical process curated by the evolution’s push to make organisms multiply.
This strong urge doesn’t represent me or my deeper long-term values.
I know the intensity of my feelings is not evidence I need to act on them whenever they arise.
But some people can’t resist. They keep chasing the high of being with new people. And in a more chaotic, less intentional way. When the honeymoon phase starts to fade, they find someone else who will ignite that feeling within them again.
And in the process, they may ignore their friends.
I want to warn people entering into polyamory against this.
Because platonic friendships are important. The emotional stakes and the highs are usually lower but that means the safety and trust can be a little easier to come by.
Even if I don’t feel that primal urge to drop everything and make time for them, I love my friends deeply and seeing them gives me joy and warmth.
For example, I hadn’t seen one of my best friends Bowen in a few weeks so I set aside a night for him last week, making sure nothing else got in the way. And it was so nice to spend time with him, cooking dinner together, and afterward escaping to the balcony to take drags of his rolly as we caught up.
I know that it’s worth it to prioritze that even if it doesn’t feel urgent all the time.
So back to the question: Does polyamory address the loneliness epidemic? I think when done consciously, it can. We just have to make sure we’re not getting completely lost in the dopamine rush of romance.
We need to make sure we’re building meaningful relationships that go beyond chemical reactions.
One participant during the discussion added that a lot of his best friends are former partners. Indeed in polyamory, the line between friend, lover, and partner can blur and meeting partners might mean meeting future friends. So it’s not always an “either-or” question anyway.
The point is that we have deep connections with people that make us feel held and loved, not how we label those connections.
All of that said, one of my panelists said something which I want to leave you with here: It’s okay to be messy. If you’re just starting out in polyamory and you feel like diving face first by having multiple partners and telling your friendships to f*ck off for a bit (maybe you were monogamous and felt trapped there for 20 years and now you’re finally free!), do that.
Get messy and make mistakes. No one’s keeping score or watching you. We’re not perfect and we don’t have to follow rules or a framework for how to do things.
Yes, people like me (a CNM-focused coach) can help you to do things a little more “right,” but you’re going to f*ck up, and sometimes it’s better to learn from your own mistakes.
So enjoy the freedom of loving in a way that serves you. Not how other people tell you to do love, relationships, or sex. Including me ;)
Speaking of which, you can learn how over 30 unique individuals/couple’s do love in their own way that works for them.
Get the Alternative Relationship Diaries until this Friday 11/29 only at half-price. Code: Friday25 at checkout.
“[The diaries] are what gave me the courage to finally put my foot down for the life and relationship(s) I wanted!” - ARD viewer
Happy Thanksgiving for those celebrating!
This weekend is the advice column again for my paid subscribers. Stay tuned.
PolyFest Berlin last weekend was a huge success! We’ll def do it again next year :)
