"Do I choose non-monogamy or my partner?"

Advice #44

Welcome to the 44th advice column. This week, one person wants to try out non-monogamy for themselves but is terrified of taking the leap. Another asker wants non-monogamy but has a partner who doesn’t. What to do…

This is a preview of the advice column for free subscribers. Support this work and read the whole thing by upgrading to paid. <3

---

Very scared about exploring non-monogamy but cannot stop thinking about it. It’s something I just keep coming back to but am still so scared! xxx

---

When I first realized non-monogamy was something I wanted, it was scary to admit to other people in my life who were all so…monogamous.

But the thing that made it easier over time was figuring out what non-monogamy really meant to me.

It took starting to believe through and through (despite growing up in a sex-negative world) that love and connection and sex are intrinsically beautiful, free, and healthy. That being intimate with others can help not just myself but others feel joy and grow as people. That freedom and variety are valuable to me.

It also took understanding, over time, all of the reasons why the normal rebuttals of non-monogamy didn’t actually make sense and were totally cultural as opposed to intrinsically good evidence against non-monogamy.

Nowadays, any possible argument that what I’m doing is somehow innately wrong, I know it’s bullshit.

I can give a reason, I can give examples. I can ask questions that stop people in their tracks and make them go, “Hmm, well I guess I never thought of it that way.”

I would love to just get on a stage and say I’m non-monogamous to a room full of randos or even good friends (although that’s a bit scarier) and just answer question after question.

I know through and through how to field the doubts that come not just from others but from myself.

Now I now that this is a perfectly healthy, normal, and brave path to take.

Now, 9 years later. There are no doubts and there is very little fear.

So my advice: Make the choice for yourself and commit to at least trying it out. Read books like More Than Two and Sex at Dawn.

Because I’m assuming that’s really why you’re scared. Because there’s a part of you deep inside that’s saying, This is against what we’ve learned our whole lives. And it is!

But that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. That doesn’t mean it’s what’s going to serve you in the long term.

You only have one life to be true and real and full of that sweet juicy fruit of connection and desire.

Why should we all feel forced to meet one person to be with the rest of our lives and forsake all other possibilities. For. The. Rest. Of. Our. Lives. Why?????

I get that you’re scared, but we need you.

Don’t just do it for you. Do it for all the people who feel the same way as you but don’t see anyone around them taking that path.

That also want it so badly but feel they will be judged or seen as a pervert or selfish or whatever. Do it for them too.

We’re with you. Come to my monthly Community Hour. Let’s talk.

<3

Sarah

---

You want non-monogamy. Your partner does not. Do you choose yourself or them?

---

This is a very difficult spot to be in with someone you love. I can say so from experience.

Six years ago I moved to Berlin with the love of my life.

The plan was to start a family together in the near future and the plan was to be non-monogamous.

But in the end, it slowly came to fruition that neither of those things were what he wanted.

So at first I tried being monogamous for him, not agreeing to do it forever, but at least for the time being. Then we tried to open up again for other reasons…but he got too jealous and it was heartbreaking for both of us.