Do I ask him to stop or just accept the pain?

Monogamish advice edition #7

In this month’s advice column, one asker doesn’t know what to do about their partner’s budding polyam dating life.

And their non-existent one.

I second asker’s partner goes to kink clubs without them, and well, it’s painful for them. Should they just grin and bare it or take action?

<3

Sarah

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Dear Monogamish,

How do I build confidence to pursue connections and relationships outside of my nesting partner?

Basically, we are open and they are flourishing and building all of these awesome connections, both emotional and physical.

I’m struggling with confidence in myself to meet people and put myself out there and this creates a fear that I can’t do non-monogamy because I’m a coward or whatever. I think too I oscillate on what exactly I want out of my ENM/Poly journey between nothing, purely physical or something else. Thank you!!

Sincerely,

Un-confident

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Dear Un-confident,

Dating sucks and is scary.

I want to take a moment to acknowledge the truth for many of us.

Okay, now that that’s done let’s try to work through your problem. The first part is that you do not actually know what you want out of non-monogamy. You mentioned three options: something purely physical, “something else,” or nothing at all.

If it is indeed, “nothing at all,” take the pressure off yourself to find someone to date in the first place. 

Don’t date simply because you fear you “can’t do non-monogamy” if you don’t. Or because your partner’s doing it and you think you should too.

Not pursuing other people does not equal failure.

If that feels right for you, focus on relationships with friends or hobbies instead. That’s a great choice.

That all said, I sense there is a part of you that does indeed want to date. And if that’s the case then….just go for it. You probably won’t know exactly what you want from ENM until you actually try it out, anyway, so don’t overthink that part.

You say what’s holding you back is confidence. So to that, I would share what coach and author Rich Litvin said in one of his recent emails: “Confidence is overrated.”

Everybody wants confidence before they begin something new but it's actually the payoff for taking action when you feel afraid…

Confidence is a result, not a requirement.

People think they first need confidence in order to do something they want.

That’s not actually true.

First, you go do the things you want, despite your fear, despite your lack of confidence, and the act of actually doing what you want is what gives you confidence. Not the other way around. 

So put yourself out there now.

Go do things you love. Talk to someone who looks interesting to you. Ask for their number.

And regardless of what happens (maybe they say no) give yourself credit for your boldness anyway.

Be proud that you even took that step. Because that’s the only part you could have controlled.

In fact, if you’re never getting turned down that means you’re doing something wrong. It means you’re not taking enough risks.

Forget about confidence. Be afraid and do it anyway.

Love,

Monogamish

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Dear Monogamish,

I am an emotional mess when my partner goes to kink clubs. We've discussed it. He knows how I feel and he reassures me.

Unfortunately, whilst I know he cares about me his reassurance doesn't take the pain away from those nights. And, he's done all he can to support me. So, I think, it's probably best for me to just deal with this myself and "suffer in silence" because nothing he can do will help. I want him to be authentic to his wants and desires and that's a part of his life. I know I have to accept that.

I'm just curious if anyone else ever experiences situations like that? Knowing that you're not ok... but, “it is what it is” type of thing.

Sincerely,

Baring it