Cause a fuss.

It's an important skill in non-monogamy

In Mexico this past January, our rhythm went something like this:

Wake up, eat muesli with fruit and oat milk, and play with the baby in the living room. Then mid-morning, go for a little walk around the town while Avi falls asleep in the stroller. Avi’s eyes falling shut was our cue to get coffee.

Nap time: our sacred one to 1.5 hours of the day to relax together before Avi woke up again.

There was this place right by the beach with great espresso, so we would usually walk down there, order an espresso and an americano, and drink them slowly right outside the cafe in the coolish morning air, a bit of sun sprinkling our shoulders as we read from our kindles with a view of the waves in the background.

It was ideal.

Except for the retirees.

Mostly they weren’t a problem. In this quiet little town on the Pacific coast, the other tourists—mostly old people from Canada (both French- and English-speaking)—were down-to-earth, chill, friendly.

But sometimes you don’t want friendly.

One day, sitting outside the cafe at the glass tables, while Eli slept softly next to us, a couple to our right struck up a conversation. They were really sweet, had some kids our age who they told us about. They asked us about our lives.

But really, the whole time we were conversing, I just wanted everyone to stop talking so I could peacefully read my book.

We could always chat with people while our one-year-old was awake, but we couldn’t read and get lost in a story while he was awake. This was that precious time of day when he was asleep and we could really relax.

But that day, we didn’t get that time. He woke up only a few minutes after the couple got up to go, and quiet time was over. I’d barely read anything.

I found myself the rest of my day missing my beloved quiet reading time with Flo.

So I promised myself I wouldn’t let it happen again.

The next day, we started our morning routine which ended up at the cafe and sure enough, another couple plopped down next to us.

They also started to ask us some questions. Small talk, eerily similar to the conversation we’d had the previous day. I noticed myself growing frustrated. I tried to make it clear I was more interested in my book by giving short answers and looking down at the book afterward. Though they didn’t seem to get it.

The conversation kept going, so I thought, I have to put an end to this.

I reminded myself, it’s a reasonable request. You’re allowed. You’re a mom. You don’t have all day to do whatever the hell you want and relax like these people do. You have to say something. Say something, Sarah. Say something. I looked at Avi stirring. Time is ticking.

So after the last question they asked — something about what it’s like in Berlin— I said, “Hey, sorry, this is the only time of the day we get to read — it’s nothing against you, but I’d like to focus on my book. I hope you understand.”

They said, “Okay.” She seemed understanding, and was nice about. He seemed totally caught off guard, but obviously they had no choice but to focus on each other from now on. So we all sat there in silence as I turned back towards my book.

After that, I have to say I felt so awkward. I was worried that I had offended them and they hated me, I could barely focus on my book anyway. My cheeks reddened as I pretended to read. The silence was THICK.

Thank God, within a few minutes, probably them sensing the awkwardness now too, they just got up and left.

Only then was I able to read for another 30 minutes in peace.

The next few days, seeing the man on the street, I feared I’d made an enemy. I couldn’t meet his eye.

This story might sound super trivial, but it represents something important for a lot of people out there.

I spoke up for myself.

And I let myself be disliked.

I’m a people pleaser.

I, like many others in this world, have people pleaser tendencies. I tend to put other people’s desires, needs, emotions above my own in service of keeping the peace. I have a strong desire to keep the vibe copasetic.

Which is often a great quality to have.

Having awareness and empathy towards other people’s inner (or outer) emotional states is essential for households or other groups to experience harmony and accomplish whatever they need to accomplish together. It’s an adaptive skill that’s crucial for our highly social species.

But having this tendency doesn’t always help us.

Too often, I see women especially, not taking their own needs or desires into account in order to guard those of others. And that’s when this becomes a problem.

When they lose themselves in the process.

You need to let go of this in non-monogamy.

This is a skill, that within the context of non-monogamy, especially, you must learn to let go of in certain contexts.

Everyone else’s feelings are not more important than your own.

You may need to inconvenience or hurt someone else’s feelings in order to protect your own. This process may even mean someone not liking you (God forbid - this is like my worst nightmare).

This prospect is very difficult for a lot of us out there to stomach. Again, in many contexts, wanting to be liked is an extremely beneficial trait to have but not in others. So the task is to learn when to be okay with it and when not.

This has been my mission over the last couple of years, especially since practicing non-monogamy with my current nesting partner.

For example, towards the beginning of our relationship, Flo was considering going out a second time with someone he liked. I was struggling with it a lot, but I ignored this and just sent him my well wishes to go on another date soon after the first.

My immediate instinct was to NOT check in with myself and share that I felt triggered. It was to go with whatever made the other people involved happy.

But that’s a surefire way towards more intense difficulties in your non-monogamous relationship in the long term. If you behave in this way, denying when you feel pain, denying when your needs aren’t being met and you’re not happy in order to make others so, then it will later come to bite you in the ass.

You will start feeling resentful, you will start lashing out because you have these emotions that were never addressed. And unaddressed emotions don’t just disappear.

You have to learn to be okay with conflict and okay not living up to an ideal.

Cause a fuss.

The goal has been to prioritize my own needs and be okay with not being liked as long as doing so aligns with my deeper values.

For example the other day at an outdoor party in a natural wooded area, I was sitting on my own taking a break from dancing and noticed a guy sitting a few feet away drop his cigarette but on the ground. Which I find so fucking rude in any case, but especially in this environment.

My instinct was to ignore it and not “cause a fuss.” But then I thought, no, this a natural area and he’s hurting it by littering. I need to share that it bothers me. Me being liked is not more important than this. Maybe it makes a difference.

“Hey, do you think you could pick that up?” I asked in the most polite, non-accusatory way. “This is nature,” I added gesturing to the sky and the trees. He told me he was going to pick it up (presumably when he got up), and I thanked him.

I’m learning to be okay with the fact my actions might cause discomfort. I might be disliked in the process of doing what feels right.

You’re worth it.

In non-monogamy and your life in general you have to be okay with sitting at that table feeling like you caused some serious awkwardness and that everyone kind of hates you right now. You have to realize that it’s okay because you know on a deeper level, you’ve stood up yourself. You’ve acted in line with your values. You’ve done the right thing.

The only way to make positive changes in your life is to do things differently than you would normally, and that means being uncomfortable. Change does not come without discomfort.

The hard choice in the moment is often the right one.

But it’s so worth it.

Because that’s also how self-worth grows, by standing up for yourself and saying, my needs are worth it. By taking real actions in your life that prove you know your value.

Your need to read is more important than not offending this old dude you don’t know.

Sparing the environment is more important than “good vibes only.”

Your feelings are more important than being a shining example of how to be poly.

You have the power, you have control.

So when it seems right, make the choice that says “I’m worthy. I’m worth it.”

That old man will just have to deal with it.

---

What else?

I can’t stand my partner’s husband!

Check out last weekend’s advice column here.

Jealousy Adventure Collective

Enrollment for the 2-month group program on jealousy opens up again in September — Learn more here.

He loved coconuts!