Can I ask to be his #1?

Advice #49

In this week’s advice column, we’ve got a dude wanting to wrap his head around his partner sleeping with other dudes. Reminded me of college.

The second asker wants to be her partner’s #1? Is that okay? I give my honest (maybe controversial) opinion on this.

And the last asker wants some advice navigating a party with 2 lovers. Shit can be awkward, I know from experience.

This is a preview of the advice column for free subscribers. Support this work and read the whole thing by upgrading to paid. <3

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The idea of my partner getting plowed by some other dude makes me want to vomit, how to move on?

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Haha, I love this because it’s so honest. I can very clearly envision a guy in one of the fraternities I used to frequent in college saying these exact words. (Assuming non-monogamy was even a concept people discussed back then — it wasn’t.)

But times have changed it seems, so nowadays, you frat boys are considering crossing over to the dark side muhahaha.

But in all seriousness, I applaud you, and I totally understand how this can feel like one big mindf*ck.

It seems your world is like the world I was brought up in too.

A world where as a woman, having sex with a guy degrades you, makes you less valuable, makes you fodder for ridicule, an embarrassment as you walk of “shame” across the college green to your dorm room in heals and short skirt at 8am.

And this was exactly the part that was so mind-blowing about polyamory. Exactly what you’re struggling with.

The idea that a “dude” like you would be a okay with his girlfriend (someone like me) having sex with some other “dude.” Getting “plowed” getting “f&cked.”

It all seemed impossible.

And then I met a polyamorous man for the first time at a festival, a cute normal guy. When he told me he had 3 partners, I was like, okay yeah that adds up, but when he told me his female partners also had other (male) partners and didn’t even seem to flinch as he said it, I was floored. Because that. That was so unreal to me.

In my experience just hinting at desiring another man to my boyfriend was the beginning of the end, a huge blow up. A betrayal of the mind.

But you’re more progressive than these men were because you’re here asking me this question. This is huge. And I would like to tell you it’s possible to change your attitude, it’s possible for this to not make you squirm as much as it does now.

The first step is something call sex positivity. I always say this is a vital aspect non-monogamy.

The only way you can feel comfortable with your partner being with others sexually is if you can start to think of sex as beautiful.

Not something dirty, not something shameful, not something that defiles us in some way.

Because it IS a beautiful thing.

Vs are beautiful. Ds are beautiful. The juices that spring from these places, all of it is akin to a flower’s nectar or the juice of a peach, a bird’s song. All of it is sex and reproduction and beauty. And there’s nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.

Stride of pride not walk of shame.

Let me put it another way.

Your girlfriend is getting plowed!!!!! YES!!! Baby, plowed, banged, she’s enjoying it. She’s hot, she’s on fire. She’s loving it. She’s so happy to have sex with this new energy. And she so f*cking happy to be your partner, plowed by you too, so thrilled to experience all of this.

Plow and be plowed, go WILD. Be a total animal and rejoice in the fact that your partner is feeling the same thing as you.

Bring all that love and spice and joy into your life and in your world.

Let it drip down your mouth, lick it off your lips and go bonkers.

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Is it okay if I still feel my nesting partner and I need to be each other’s priority?

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I’m just going to make up a scenario here that might not be exactly what you’re experiencing, but it’s probably close:

Your partner whom you live with (aka your nesting partner) is dating someone else. They really like this other person and feel committed to them (as well as to you).

You, seeing this happening, are not feeling super secure about it, so in order to help you feel more secure in your place in your partner’s heart, you want to get labeled “the priority.”

In other words, you want to make sure you’re “number one.”

If everyone else involved wanted this too, it would all be fine, right? But I’m guessing not everyone wants this. (Otherwise, you wouldn’t be asking me this question).

First I’ll say, you’re not alone in wanting that label. After all, that’s what we’re taught love is in our culture: Being someone’s one and only.

And if you’re not their one and only, at least you can be their #1. Right?