Can a non-monogamous person go back to monogamy?

Monogamish advice, edition #10

In this advice column, one non-monogamous person wants to know if she should agree to be monogamous for a new person she’s into.

Another person has dipped his toe in the threesome water and has come out confused, a bit hurt, but also curious for more. What should he do now?

<3

Sarah

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Can you switch back to monogamy?

Do you think it's possible for non-monogamous folks to be content in a monogamous relationship?

I'm in the situation that I came out as non-monogamous a year ago. I have a lover who lives in another country, and am connected with his girlfriend as well.

However, I miss having a true partner.

Now I fell in love with a monogamous man, and we struggle with this question. I know, no one can take this decision off my shoulders, yet I'm questioning if I maybe try to make something work, that's stupid.

What do you think?

Sincerely,

Monogamous Switch?

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Dear Monogamous Switch,

Great question that a lot of non-monog people struggle with at one point or another. Especially at the beginning.

I’ll just start by saying, you’re right. You are the only person who can answer that question.

That said, maybe I can share my experience in a similar situation and it might help you decide what to do.

I discovered non-monogamy was a real thing that I might want for myself back in 2016. So after that point, I communicated this to every new love interest I encountered.

Cut to three years later, and I’m a year into my first “non-monogamous” relationship with my partner Phil, but the thing is we still haven’t acted on it much. He said that he was down to try it but wanted our first months to focus on each other, which I was cool with because I was super into him.

After a year together, I kissed a guy here and there, usually when I was out without him or one of us was away.

But the few times I did this, it was really hard on him. 

Even though it was something I’d told him I wanted from the get-go and that he theoretically supported, he couldn’t help but feel insecure.

So after many conversations, I told him, “you know what, okay, I won’t kiss other men because I don’t want to hurt you.”

But this didn’t last very long.

See around the same time, he also informed me he didn’t want to have kids anytime soon as we had also originally planned.

These two factors together were enough for me to say, well I don’t think this is the right person for me.

Breaking up with Phil was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But ultimately I knew what I wanted out of life and this relationship wasn’t seeming to give me that.

So this is all to say, that you know what your priorities are.

Sometimes it’s worth giving up that freedom for some set period of time.

Sometimes it’s worth giving up that freedom in certain situations but not others.

Sometimes it’s worth giving up that freedom indefinitely.

It really just depends on you.

One question you might want to ask yourself to figure this all out is the following: Are you operating mainly from a place of love and excitement or out of fear?

Are you diving into this relationship because you’re afraid you won’t find someone else to be non-monogamous with?

Or are you just so excited about this person and everything else they offer, you’re just like fuck it, let’s give it a shot!

Go with your gut. Worst case scenario: you will learn something about yourself and make a more informed decision next time.

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Playing with threesome fire

Context: 46 monogamous, loving marriage, soulmates.  Wife had at least 8 partners before me and admitted she was a slut especially when drunk before she met me.

Me, only been with two girls prior and lacked sexual confidence in the first 6 months of our relationship.  We were open about fantasies and would probably have had threesomes early on had I been more confident in me and the relationship.

The issue: I can't get over the jealousy of letting and watching my wife kiss my best friend (male). It lead to her wanting a threesome but I said no.

It's been 12 years but I still have moments when I think back to that night and feel, I don't know, anxious, confused, jealous.  Sometimes I use it to get off during sex or masturbation.

I think I am looking for closure but I do wonder deep down if I like what happened and hope we get another chance - maybe role's reversed.

But I want help to know if I should open old wounds with my wife who always batted the questions away whenever I tried to discuss my feelings.

Sincerely, Cuckcurious 

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Dear Cuckcurious,

To summarize: 12 years ago, your wife kissed your best friend in front of you, and today, thinking back on it sparks a complicated mix of emotions.

You think you are looking for closure on this situation. And you’re wondering if you might find that by exploring something with her and your best friend again. 

Now, will this provide the closure you are seeking are simply open up old wounds?