💔A clean(ish) break

The scale has tipped.

The last time I talked to Adrian was over a week ago. We met at a bar in Neukölln for a drink, shared a quattro formaggi pizza at the Italian place next door, and then went back to his one bedroom.

There we played and played until it got late, and I had to go home for an early morning.

I recently wrote in detail about our little relationship, how good it feels to be wanted so badly. To feel his desire for me. To feel my own for him. To feel his breath on my neck as he grabs me and whispers Spanish words I don’t even know into my ear.

And the last time we hung out, I got to feel all of that again.

But that wasn’t all I felt when we were together.

As we hung out, there was something else there too, something that has been there the whole time, but this time it just felt stronger, more insistent than it had before.

And that was this feeling that this isn’t really right.

That as good as this all feels now, maybe I should be spending my time elsewhere. With people who make more sense in my life. And vice versa.

Adrian considers himself monogamous. He likes the feeling of being with one person at a time and to feel that she only is with him.

Whereas I’m polyamorous, ideally looking for another partner who is happy with me living with my nesting partner/co-parent and the fact that I have a baby and that if we date, maybe other men might be in the picture too.

But I am not that person for him, and he is not that person for me. It couldn’t be more clear.

And for a while, I could ignore this. Because in the end, it felt more right than wrong.