The key to a mother's freedom is mysteriously absent from the public eye
Why aren’t more women using breast pumps in public?
When I reached an age old enough for dating, I sensed something was amiss.
On one hand, as a female, you’re supposed to be fun and “chill” and up for a “good time.” On the other hand, you’re supposed to be innocent and “hard to get” and a “good girl” who likes horses and America too.
But being both at once is impossible.
I didn’t understand this consciously back then, but I did understand it subconsciously, somewhere deep inside: I was playing a losing game.
I’m realizing now, similarly to how being an attractive female in the 2000s was a losing game, so is being a “good mother.”
Many influencers are expressing this on Instagram which I’m happy to see. How, for example, society wants you to go back to work and be a strong independent mom. Fair point. And at the same time, it wants to see you taking care of your kid yourself and not leaving the childcare to paid help. Also fair point except for the fact that doing both at once is also impossible.
But there’s one point I have yet to see expressed widely (no pun intended), specifically regarding moms who are nursing.
And that is pumping.
Where are the pumps mamas?
For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about (I certainly didn’t before I became a parent) the overarching guideline in the modern world is to feed your child exclusively breast milk for the first six months of its life.
As I’ve touched on before, if you do breastfeed your child exclusively it means that every 2–3 hours you have to give your child milk, which means you can’t really go to work for the day as normal.
Unless of course you pump.
If you pump some breastmilk ahead of time, put it in the fridge, then your partner or whatever other lucky sole in your life whose around, can feed your baby instead. This gives you a longer window to go out and do what you need to do, whether it’s go to work or, in my case, the other day, go out for the day with friends.
In this case, you have to pump several servings of milk beforehand so that some lucky sole (my partner in my case) can feed your baby for you while you’re gone.
And let me make something clear here. Pumping isn’t fun. It takes work and time and planning.
And if you’ve made the effort to pump a few servings of milk ahead of time (a multi-day project), allowing you to leave home for the day, your work is not then done. Because while you’re on your little excursion or at your office, your breasts are going to expect to feed your child again. They’re going to fill up again, engorge, and you’re going to need to get that milk out.
So what does that mean?
Well it means not just before your excursion but during your excursion, you’re going to have to pump.
So my question is: Why the hell have I never seen a pump before?
If this is the key to functioning in modern society (which the U.S. government clearly expects you to do immediately after you give birth, since there’s no federally mandated maternity leave) how come I’ve never seen one out in the world?
A day out in the world
The other day I went out for the whole afternoon to evening without my baby for the first time in months. I went to an outdoor club with some friends and the weather was perfect and I danced in the sun and loved life.
I also knew I had to bring my pump along.
At some point, four or five hours in, my breasts started to harden. It was time to pump. So I went up to this platform where my backpack was and I took it out and looked around me — all the young people enjoying the first summery day, taking a break from dancing, chatting and rolling cigarettes — and I knew right then and there I had to make a choice.
I could go in the disgusting bathrooms or find some corner where no one would see me and sit alone for 20 minutes. Or I plop down next to a friend and some friends of hers with my contraption in hand and start pumping the milk from my breasts in full view.
I chose the latter.
And people were looking at me, probably wondering if they couldn’t trust their vision. They had no idea. What is she doing?
No one seemed to have a clue.
I have this weird contraption attached to my nipple. People have never seen that before.
This thing that is the KEY to a nursing mom’s ability to leave her baby for more than two hours is this contraption. Yet it’s invisible, a total mystery to the public eye.
On the train back to my apartment later that evening, totally exhausted from dancing but also pumping several times at the club, my breasts were engorged again. Because I’d drank some alcohol recently, I knew I wasn’t going to feed my baby right when I came home. I would need to pump again.
Sitting on the train, looking at the random people on their way back home from a day out in the sun, a mom and dad with their baby in a stroller. Two twenty-something guys with tattoos drinking beers. I wondered, Do I really have to wait until I’m home to do this? When I’m just sitting here doing nothing anyway?
This should be fucking normal. Why do I need to hide?
So I whipped out the pump on the subway. Fuck It. And I felt awkward while I did so, but I’m glad I did.
I hope this email serves as inspiration to any nursing moms or nursing moms to be. Next time you are out at a restaurant enjoying some time away with some friends. Next time you’re in a Zoom meeting and just have to sit in one place anyway. I’m hoping you don’t hesitate to whip out the pump.
It’s abhorrent that people expect a mother who basically has no time to herself to make a completely separate time to go hide in a corner somewhere to pump hidden from public view. When she could just as easily do it in these types of situations.
Society seems to expect you to do a lot of nonsense in the name of being a “good girl.” Well, I say fuck that patriarchal B.S.
This is my world too and I won’t tip toe around it.
What else ?
During my parental leave, I devoured the book More: A memoir of open marriage. I caught wind of it because the NYTimes reviewed it (which is pretty cool cus, you know, it’s always a step in the right direction when the mainstream media acknowledges non-monogamy). In many ways, it’s a simple easy, mindless, fun, sexy read written in a familiar tone, nothing too deep, and, to be honest, I’m not sure how much I truly like the author as she portrays herself in the book. But I think anyone exploring non-monogamy can relate to her journey and the emotionally honest way she tells it. I would recommend.
I posted a reel last week about people who say non-monogamous people shouldn’t get jealous. One of my pet peeves.