Before I became a mother, I thought my partner and I could avoid falling any “roles.” Sure, I was the one who needed to be pregnant and nurse but otherwise we’d split childcare down the middle 50–50.
It would all be “even.”
But this has proved much harder than I thought it would.
It seems that as a parent in a heterosexual relationship, it will never really be “even.”
For example, my partner can’t breastfeed, which means it doesn’t make sense for him to wake up in the middle of the night when the baby cries and is hungry. Or throughout the day when he needs food. I had underestimated how much time and energy nursing would require.
Other times, I may change the baby twice in a row, then it’s my partner Flo’s “turn,” but didn’t he just arrange the whole getting-balcony-furniture thing we’d been putting off for months and I just didn’t want to have to deal with?
Who’s done more? Whose turn is it now? How many points have I accrued?
What does that equal? Do we get double time when we work after hours?
I tried to figure it all out at some point, but it just made my head spin.
So what I’ve realized is that instead of keeping track of who does what, it’s actually easier and better for everyone (even if we risk being less egalitarian in the process) to instead just focus on our needs at any given point.
Does he really need some time off right now? Do I?
Just like in non-monogamy, things will never truly be “even” or, at least, we won’t know if they are if we want to stay sane. The only thing we can do is protect our own needs and stay empathetic to our partner and theirs.
And what this requires most of all is trust. Trust that your partner’s not trying to take advantage of you. Trust that they genuinely want things to be as fair as they can be and for you to be happy too.
So don’t spend your time making spreadsheets and keeping score.
Instead spend it building trust, having faith in yourself and each other. That work is much more fun and much more rewarding.
What else?
Poly and pregnancy
USA today article I was interviewed for about polyamory and pregnancy was published a few days ago! Check it out.
In other news, I finally passed my driving test in Berlin and got my German license TODAY. The process was a nightmare haha.