Have you ever played down your non-monogamy?

When you're a parent, they all expect monogamy...

A little while back, I was at a friend’s place for dinner and after hearing what I did for a living, one of his friends pulled me aside and said, “You and your partner — are you still non-monogamous, now that you have a kid?” As she asked the question, she was shaking her head slightly with almost concern in her face. 

It was clear how she expected me to answer, so I met her there.

“Well, not as much anymore. There’s just not as much time for much else besides family, work, friends…”

She nodded along, like Right, right, a faint look of relief on her face. “That makes sense,” she said. Then we moved on to other topics.

But later that night in bed, something from dinner wasn’t sitting right and it wasn’t the food. I replayed the conversation with this person, and I realized that I hadn’t been totally honest with her.

I’d downplayed the truth.

The truth is since having our little Avi, things have changed a lot. We have much less time, and going on a date with someone else puts a strain on the other person who has to take care of the child by themselves. Everything’s a bit more complex.

But Flo and I are—and were back then—definitely still non-monogamous.

At the time, I hadn’t had any dates recently and Flo wasn’t seeing anyone regularly, either. But not long before that dinner, I’d gone to a friend’s birthday party while he had a date over our apartment. At the time, I was also on a dating app, and was planning to meet one guy from my neighborhood.

Flo and I were definitely still open with no intention of saying, “We’re done. Let’s be monogamous for now.”

That night at the dinner, I realized I hadn’t told the whole truth essentially because saying something different might have caused some friction.

I could tell the truth wasn’t what she wanted to hear and I wanted to keep things feeling totally copasetic.

But that wasn’t honest. And it was a missed opportunity to open someone’s mind up about the way they see long-term relationships and parenthood.

Maybe in the moment it would have felt less “chill” but I would have been able to go to sleep that night feeling I hadn’t hid anything about myself, who I was and what I valued.

I’ve got nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed of. I’m happy my partner and I are in an open relationship. In fact, I love it.

Not only is non-monogamy and parenthood possible, it’s ideal.

With this stark transition to motherhood, so much has changed, but I find solace in the idea that I’m still able to go out and date and feel a sense of freedom. That I can feel a bit more like I did before we had a kid, before we lived together, and even before we started dating.

In fact, not only is non-monogamy and parenthood is possible, it’s ideal.

If you can manage to communicate and do it in a way that’s loving toward all the people involved including yourself, you can get the best of both worlds. You get the beautiful loving domestic life with the most loving father and cutest little baby in the world and the bad, flirty you, who can go out and be a little demon.

I feel so lucky to have both. 

And I want to shout it out from the goddam rooftops! You can do this too!

Since that conversation, I’ve been more mindful about being honest about who I am in these types of interactions.

It’s not just about me and this singular conversation, it’s about everyone. It’s about the world understanding this is a real option too.

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What else?

No advice column the next two weeks. Flo, Avi, and I are going to jump in Flo’s camper and drive down to Slovenia with stops in Prague, Vienna and a few other Check / Austrian places along the way. The last time we did a big van trip, we went to Spain where I found out I was pregnant. This will be the first long trip with Avi and I’m very excited to see how it goes.  Let’s get ready for an adventure!

The first official Rise Above Your Jealousy cohort begins this October. Our beta group is wrapping up and I’m putting the final touches on the 6-week program, which after much research and feedback, will be *awesome.* If you think you might be interested in joining the first official cohort, sign up here to get notified when enrollment starts. 

<3

Sarah

That time at the pool my baby peed on me so I had to use his carrier as a shirt for the whole evening. It doesn’t actually look that bad TBH. Baby pee chic. Functional fashion. <3