Welcome to Monogamish advice #26. In this one, one woman has caught her husband exchanging sexy messages online. She wonders if opening up is a good solution. Another asker’s partner has been hanging out a lot with a new female friend and she doesn’t understand why she’s so jealous.
If you have your own questions, feel free to submit here (supporting members get priority).
Love,
Sarah
I caught him having an online affair
I am in a monogamous marriage and found out my husband has been secretly exchanging sexual messages with random women online. I wouldn't actually be upset about it if he were open and transparent, but we haven't explicitly discussed this kind of boundary in our relationship. I am wondering if we would both be happier if he felt free to flirt with other people and didn't feel like he had to hide it from me. Would that be a form of ethical non-monogamy or is it basically still monogamy if it doesn't go beyond flirting? Thank you for your input!
Sincerely,
ENM Uncertain
Dear ENM Uncertain,
To answer your direct question: Is this ethical non-monogamy if it doesn’t go beyond flirting? I would say the answer is, Yes. We can call it non-monogamy because there are other humans involved with either or both of you in a sexual or romantic way. It’s therefore, not monogamy.
That said, I’m pretty sure there’s more to this inquiry than you simply wanting to know whether or not we would call that proposed scenario non-monogamy or not.
It seems here you want to know the best way to approach the situation you have found yourself in.
Your partner has been flirting with other women online behind your back. It sounds like, given the assumptions of what is okay and what isn’t in your marriage, this was cheating, even if a relatively minor offense.
Your proposed solution to his transgression is making it explicitly okay for your partner to do what he was already doing. Wouldn’t it be so easy if when someone did something “wrong,” we could all simply agree that wrong thing is now “okay,” and then it’s like nothing bad happened at all? Wouldn’t it be great if solving our relationship problems were that easy?
Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s great that you feel that might be a good step forward! But before you suggest that, I want you to first explore how it made you feel to catch your husband doing this behind your back.
If you feel hurt, which would be totally normal, it’s important that those feelings are acknowledged by both you and him before you decide how you both want to move forward.
It’s also important to let your husband express his feelings too. How did he end up having these exchanges? Is he stirring for some sexual exploration and just had no idea that he could bring up the topic with you? Is there more that you haven’t found out about it that he’s done behind your back?
By going behind your back, he hurt your trust. Focus on rebuilding that trust first.
After you’ve both expressed how you feel about this specific situation, only then would I bring up the idea of opening up the marriage, even if it’s only just a crack. Get really clear on what exactly either or both of you is okay with.
If you do decide online flirting is now within your boundaries, is it also within his if you do the same? What counts as flirting? Can you exchange sexy pictures or does it start and end with dirty talk? Can you get on the phone with the person? What if they want to meet in real life?
Create an open line of communication with the goal of simply seeing and being seen. This is the hard part! Then you can go from there.
I’m jealous of my partner’s female friend
Hey! This may be a bit of a weird question, because it is kind of monogamous, kind of not (monogamish!). My partner and I experimented with non-monogamy previously, and had some positive experiences, but ended up making the decision (mutually) to close our relationship due to both struggling with some mental health issues.
We had previously been happily connecting in our closed relationship, until a few months ago my partner met a new friend. They do not align sexually (she is gay, he is straight), and I am not worried about cheating or sexual behaviour between the two. What I AM struggling with, though, is a new level of emotional intimacy between the two of them, and escalating time spent together in ways that I perceive as "date-like".
They spend significant amounts of time together each week, going to movies, dinners, sauna, concerts - all kinds of activities. I am feeling very jealous, insecure, threatened - all of which makes me very frustrated, for a few reasons. First of all, I love my partner and want him to have friends, and good experiences with others. I also was okay with this when we were open, but for some reason this is setting off all of my internal "unsafe" alarm bells here, which I am struggling to soothe. I have spoken with him about my feelings, and he acknowledges that I am struggling, but doesn't really understand why - which makes sense, because I am not sure why as well. It is getting to the point where I dread them going out together, because I become very anxious and struggle to soothe myself - and this is a problem, because their time together is only becoming more frequent. I have tried to think through the root of the problem - which may be that I feel this is an emotionally ENM situation, but not one that I have consented to being part of?? But also, I feel like I wish to be "better" and not have these feelings at all, and just be fine with it. I have no idea what to do!
Sincerely,
Friend-Jealous
Dear Friend-Jealous,
Before I get to my advice, I have to say I’m kind of happy to read this because it’s different from most of what people write into this column.
A lot of people out there like to draw a hard line and say “non-monogamy isn’t for me, I could never do that.” But this shows how it’s not always so black and white, and that even within the confines of a monogamous relationship, you may end up feeling the same (or even worse) pain you may feel in non-monogamy.
Now, I’d just like to take a second to validate your feelings.
Just because your partner and his friend are not having sex (and it doesn’t appear they will given their sexual orientations) doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel threatened.
Your partner is forming a deep connection with another woman, spending a lot of time with her. It makes total sense that you, as his girlfriend, would be questioning your place in his life beyond being “the person he has sex with.”