In this week’s advice column, one asker wants to know about when it’s worth it to be sexual with friends. When is a strict line necessary? Is it at all? This one got me thinking a lot.
Another asker is the one who initiated non-monogamy in their relationship, but now that their partner is seeing someone else, they are going a bit crazy. They don’t know how to deal, specifically when to be supportive versus when to stick up for themselves and limit their partner.
Our third question is about introducing metamours. How to do it smoothly?
Got a burning question? Ask it here.
On crossing the sexual boundary with friends
“How do you meet friends and cross the sexual boundary casually? In which ways can it affect the friendship? Does it rather enrich the connection or does it create more friction than it is worth for having sensual experiences?
Your Curious V”
Dear Curious V,
I wish I had a cut and dry answer for you. And I wish this was something I knew how to address better in my own circles.
There is a perfect world I imagine in which all my friends who I find attractive and vice versa could just make out whenever we wanted, just like that, without any repercussions, where no one would be offended or hurt or awkward and we could just enjoy each other — no strings attached.
But my brain unfortunately doesn’t work like that. And I don’t think most people’s brains in our culture work like that.
I think most people in our culture, when they engage with someone sexually, they wonder what it meant. They feel (consciously or not), there’s an expectation for things to “progress” in some way or for it to happen again the next time. Even within non-monogamy this can be the case.
So this is all a long-winded way of saying I don’t know how to do this risk-free.
The only advice I can give is to say that as long as you are up front with anyone you engage with about your true feelings about them and what you truly expect when you engage sexually, hopefully the friendship won’t be ruined permanently. There might be points where you need space from each other if feelings start to emerge that are unreciprocated, but I can see a world where the potential upside is worth the risk.
Long-story short, my advice is to go for it! No matter what, it could be a great practice in communication and boundaries. And of course, it could end up being really fun for everyone!
Love,
Sarah
“I feel like I'm going crazy and I want to give up.”
I have recently opened my relationship with my partner because I was not feeling fully appreciated sexually. I didn't want to put the expectations of my sexual desires on my partner because that stressed our relationship and she is in therapy processing her own stuff.
I started by seeing someone I knew out of town so that she wouldn't have to worry about running into them, I tried to limit my contact and the amount I talked about them.
I encouraged her to go out and meet new people, but we had discussed looking for people who filled something that we didn't get in each other.
She met someone and expected me to meet them very soon after telling me. I felt it was insensitive and it made me feel some type of way about them but they live 10 hours away so I didn't see it as a threat. But when I met them it was hard to deny the similarity in us, we are both non-binary masc and work carpentry related jobs, and now my partner wants to plan a 5 day trip to see this person and I feel like I'm not being respected in the process, but I want to be supportive and encourage her to find love with other people. I feel like I'm going crazy and I want to give up, but I know I love and value her. But it is so hard to have conversations about it and figure out when I’m restricting her too much or when I'm standing up for myself.
Sincerely,
Feeling Crazy
Dear Feeling Crazy,
Thanks for sharing this! I feel the frustration in your words. This is certainly a pickle.
On one hand, you want to encourage your partner to meet people and enjoy polyamory. You’re the one who initiated it, after all.
On the other hand, you’re struggling a lot and want to limit her. Although it sounds like you have some justification for limiting her in this case, you might feel like a huge hypocrite because of it.
I’ve felt similarly before.
When my partner started dating someone new for the first time with some regularity, I felt I had no business trying to limit his ability to do so. Because the whole thing was my idea.
But you will never get through this non-monogamy thing alive unless you first and foremost:
Accept that you’re struggling and it’s hard for you. This is normal!
Talk to your partner about it with the intention of just sharing your feelings and being heard and understood.
Let them share theirs with the same intentions.
Come to some sort of agreement together about how to move forward that allows you to get your nervous system back in check.
What exactly you decide is of course up to you and you alone but because you’re asking me, I’ll also share my humble opinion on the specifics of your agreement so far.
First off, saying that you will try to only meet people who are “fulfilling something that you don’t get in each other” is a bit unrealistic, not to mention murky in its meaning.