Welcome to the 27th advice column. In this week’s column, one asker is wondering if it makes sense to want monogamy first with her long distance lover before diving into non-monogamy. Another asker wants to open up her marriage but her husband’s not so down. What can she do?
Have a question? Use this form to take a swing.
Should we do monogamy first?
The crux of my question is this: if I want a monogamous foundation to later explore non-monogamy, am I doing it wrong?
Here’s some context: My most recent lover and long-term romantic partner was first my long-distance friend for 7 years. We would talk once or twice every year and it always felt like a breath of fresh air. A couple of years ago, something shifted in one of our annual conversations and we decided that we wanted to explore a romantic relationship. We were very clear from the beginning that monogamy in the moment felt great to us, and that life is long and there is so much beauty and pleasure to experience. We felt we had the communication tools to discuss non-monogamy once we felt it was time.
That felt so safe to me - the comfort of having this deep, enduring connection to a person who I felt so aligned with, without the fantasy that this one person will be able to satisfy my sensual, sexual needs over the long game.
Fast forward, he recently ended our relationship. It was a combo of his work life ramping up in a wild way, not knowing how to parse through and deal with his stress, and me becoming increasingly uneasy and insecure the longer this went on and the more distance between us. (We live in different countries).
He recently told me that he dated and slept with someone during the time we were broken up. He said part of his stress manifested in thinking that if only he could be with someone else, he would feel better. He never communicated this with me until after he ended our relationship, which I find hurtful since I thought we had kept that line of communication open.
All to say, now he is interested in resuming our romantic relationship, but in a less committed way. He wants to “build that together,” but I’m feeling nervous that now I can’t trust him to be honest with me about what he actually wants- and that I’ll be hurt again in the process.
I am interested in non-monogamy, AND it feels so much safer to me to explore it from the foundation of a solid, trusting relationship that I really love. Is that counterintuitive to how non-monogamy should or does work? Thank you so much.
Monogamous For Now?
Dear Monogamous For Now?,
I have to say that reading this (which often happens with this column), it feels like the question you’re asking is not really the question you want answered.
What you ask is whether it makes sense to be monogamous first before exploring non-monogamy.
But what I see here is that you’re struggling with a romantic partner that seems to be pulling away from you. And you’re not sure what to do about it.
So for argument’s sake, let’s start with your direct question: If I want a monogamous foundation to later explore non-monogamy, am I doing it wrong?
The answer is no, of course not. If that’s what you and your partner both want, then be monogamous first. However, you later ask, is it counterintuitive to be both interested in non-monogamy and want to explore it from a solid trusting relationship? I’m wondering why you think it would be counterintuitive.
It seems like you might believe that starting from non-monogamy means that you are NOT starting from trust and solidity. But that’s not true. You can start off non-monogamous and love each other in the most solid loving way all at once. Having a solid trusting relationship does not come from being monogamous or not. It comes from being there for each other. It comes from telling the truth. It comes from communicating and being reliable. Having a solid loving relationship doesn’t come from “not sleeping with anyone else.”
Going back to your particular situation, it sounds like this person failed to communicate the source of his stress with you, broke up with you, and now has explicitly said he wants a less committed relationship. Non-monogamous or not, it doesn’t sounds like this person is ready to give you the solid trusting foundation you’re looking for in a partner. My advice: Stop trying to squeeze lemon out of a stone (or however the saying goes) and move on.
With all my love,
Sarah
I'm happy with my husband in marriage. However, we have different sex drives, and I enjoy getting to know people outside of the relationship whether romantically or not. I've gotten close to experiencing non-monogamy in other relationships but didn't desire that in my marriage till now.
My husband is not very on board with me exploring even when I explain my love for him has not changed. Non-monogamy has always kinda called me but I never really processed what I was feeling. I understand more now and I'm ready to explore again. Is there any way to make my husband more open about all of this?
Sincerely,
CNM Lust